The Art of Letting Go: Building Autonomy in Your Teens through Mindfulness & Self-Compassion Practices
I have a daughter who has always been fiercely independent. That was cute when she was five. And it was impressive when she was ten. It was inspiring when she was 14. But now that she is 17, it is a sucker punch to the gut. I feel it deep inside, this pain, this intense energy.
“I am a grown-ass woman!” she yells one day, commanding me to see her as she stretches the boundaries of what I find acceptable.
Well, if you have to tell me you are a grown-ass woman, you probably aren’t yet. Regardless, this is where we are hanging out for the next little while, she and I, and I need mindful awareness and self-compassion to see me through.
Accept Your Feelings, Accept Your Child’s Feelings - Discern the Difference Between the Two
Mindfulness and self-compassion are the gifts that keep on giving, especially for parents of teens. When I approach my own feelings with mindfulness, I can see that the sucker punch to the gut that I feel when I see and hear her demand more freedom, rather than anger, is abject fear. Because I AM a grown-ass woman, and I know what awaits her in this world. She is diving head first into adulthood and she does not want to be held back. She wants it all, now. And unlike her, I know how painful it can be.
But here’s what else I know: Fear is my way, not hers.
Fear has been and continues to be a constant companion for me. Fear is a part of me that I have had to get to know very intimately. For many years of my life, it controlled me, kept me small, kept me in an unhealthy marriage and unhealthy friendships, kept me attached to a bottle of wine to regulate the anxiety and the the depression that both sprung from and drove me deeper into not living within my values.
As her parent, I have to separate what is mine and what is hers.
Being able to discern between the two has everything to do with the mindfulness I have practiced over my years as a parent. It is her dive into adulthood. The fear is mine. She may gain her own fear over the years. She may not. I can’t know yet, nor is it mine to know or control. This is the practice of both letting go and letting be.
Mindfulness & Self-Compassion as Foundational Practices
In the early years of parenting, mindfulness and self-compassion can help us create a foundation of calm through those times of deep struggle. Mindfulness becomes the ground underneath you as your child’s needs shift and change and grow, and as your own needs do the same. Self-compassion reminds you to take care of you by asking, ”What do I need right now?” Practicing these things in the early years with our kids builds that strong foundation for the later years. We will need to have exercised that muscle of mindful awareness to stay grounded as our teens push the boundaries and begin their initial flight to adulthood. However, this is not to say that these skills can’t be learned at any time, but without a doubt, having them at the ready when your child hits adolescents sure does help.
What I learned through my contemplative practices is that I can be with my daughter through these changes, through her growth, through our exploration of our changing relationship, and be with myself as well. I can feel my feelings, name them, sit with them, and really, befriend them, all while allowing her to take the steps she needs to take. I can be with her while doing the parenting-of-adolescents dance, which is a reel: Reel them in, let them out, reel them in, let them out. And there is a lot of fancy footwork in there as well.
This is the gift of mindfulness and self-compassion, of ‘being with’ rather than ‘doing’. This is what allows me to be there through this, and for her to know I am there. This is my own deep power.
Curiosity Without Attachment or Aversion
Mindfulness encourages us to become very curious about our internal world while not being attached or averse to what is, in other words, approaching it with equanimity.
When we come to parenting with open awareness and curiosity about our relationship with our children, we open to a world of possibility, growth, and love. What is it like when we rest in our own discomfort and just simply notice how we feel? We can learn to skillfully discern the discomfort we have about something from that which our child is experiencing, and in the process come to know if the discomfort is about us or if it is really in relation to how we feel about what they’re experiencing. and we can begin to allow them to experience discomfort by discerning: Is this safe for her? Is she in danger? If the answer is no, maybe I just let her move forward and learn what she needs to learn on her path.
Learning to Be With Difficult Feelings - Yours and Your Teen’s
Mindfulness is not always easy. We like to have this image of the very peaceful-looking person, eyes closed, sitting on the meditation cushion. And often, that may be what it looks like on the outside. But if you could only see what was happening in my mind! There were many times while meditating that anxiety overtook me. I was crawling out of my own skin, needing to get up and run from the cushion. My anxiety was at the surface, prickling, making me think I was in danger in that moment. Through practice and lots of internal work, I have come to see that while anxiety is a part of me, it is not all of me. It comes to sit next to me on the cushion now, but it doesn’t control me. And when it gets worked up with worry, I gently bend my ear to it, listening intently, but I don’t buy into the storyline that I am unsafe, or that my kids are unsafe. I thank my anxiety for trying to help me, tell it that we are going to be just fine - that SHE is going to be just fine - give it a little hug, and then move along.
When we see our children suffering, it can raise our hackles, make us feel like we have to act now to take that suffering away. But just like we learn to befriend our own feelings, we can learn to befriend all of our children’s feelings as well. Here is a question that begs to be asked - Is it so bad for our children to suffer? I am not talking about the big sufferings of things like childhood illness, mental health issues, abuse, neglect. Of course, we never want any child to go through those things. What I am talking about are the everyday struggles like dilemmas with friends, trouble in school, arguments with family members, not getting on the sports team. Whether we like it or not, they will have their struggles. They will have pain, both emotional and physical. They will make choices that lead them down roads we don’t think they should go down. That is called LIVING, and really, don’t we want them to do that? Do we really wish to deprive them of the very essence of life? Without darkness, we cannot truly know light. Just like all humans, our own children will have to experience that darkness, and what they need from us the most at those times is for us to be with them, not for us to do for them. By learning to sit through our children’s struggles without constant intervention we learn about our own selves. This ability stems from the ways we learn to sit with our own discomfort. As parents, we are our children’s teacher, but they are our teachers as well.
Watch Her Fly, or, The Art of Being
My daughter and I have come out on the other side of this one. “I am a grown-ass woman,” is now a source of humor and strength for us. I did a lot of sitting on my hands as she pushed through some growth, and I grew with her as I practiced befriending my own experience of fear and worry, honoring those feelings while not allowing them to control me. I began many mornings with lovingkindness meditation, starting my day on the cushion sending love and compassion to us both as we worked through these struggles, a breath for her, a breath for me, watching the gentle, loving give and take of this beautiful, reciprocal relationship.
Most importantly, I allowed her to have her experience, to learn and grow in the way that she needed. I listened to what she told me, through words said and unsaid, and trusted that she would get through this because while she may not yet be a fully grown woman, she is incredibly smart, driven, persistent, and intuitive.
I am frequently in awe of her, realizing I never would have done the things she is willing to do. And that is a joyful realization. She is her own person, and I am my own person. A while back, we were visiting a college, and the tour guide asked us to introduce ourselves and tell what major we are interested in. I simply said, “I am Kristin, Zoey’s mom.” Zoey chuckled and said, “She’s really a bad-ass.” Mutual, darling.
Interested in Learning practices that can help you stay grounded and build connection, even when things are tough?
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Staying Grounded in Difficult Times
In this course, I share simple, easy-to-use (and learn!) mindfulness, self-compassion, and embodiment practices that will help you to feel more settled, more connected, and more aware of what you can control when life gets challenging.